I have come to the conclusion that I'm not lazy or unmotivated. My problem is that I have so much motivation, so many things that I want to do and accomplish and I do not know how to get there. I don't have that one amazing talent that I have been doing since I was three years old. I don't have something to pour my whole heart into.
That is where my life is lacking fulfillment. I pour as much of myself into everything that I do. I am desperately searching for that thing, that one thing that is mine and that I can completely immerse myself in and own. I try my hardest in my school work and my job but I get to a stopping point where I realize that this isn't what I want. I try and strive to be the best at what I do and for a while it becomes a mask. A mask that even I am blind to. I come to a place that even I can't recognize that I am not doing something that I am passionate about.
It all seems like a waste of time when I get down to thinking about it; doing something that doesn't feel like represents the person I want to be seems like a waste. For the past year I have loved my job, I have done a damn good job at it too. I felt that I had proven myself and I was thriving in my position. Now that I have realized that this is not the place I see myself, my work ethic is struggling and performance is on a steady downfall. I have disappointed myself.
I am at a point where I am struggling to be better at the job that I once loved and pays the bills and figuring out where I am supposed to stand. Struggling to be a better version of who I think I am supposed to be.
How cliche.